By Bree Hocking
What a long strange trip it’s been — and I’m just talking about the final week of the 2008 presidential campaign. As the “year of living on the edge of our seats” (to quote a recent New York Times headline) comes to an abrupt conclusion today, let’s look back on its closing hours. As they say, a week is an eternity in politics, and the last seven days certainly felt like one.
Wenesday: The Obama infomercial airs on just about all the major networks. Obama highlights the hard-luck tales of ordinary Americans. This is hardly “morning in America.” The whole country sniffles and worries about the dwindling supplies in the refrigerator, while Obama pontificates on tax credits and clean energy jobs. Then he goes on the “Daily Show,” where he smiles profusely and impresses Jon Stewart with his “Obama magic.” Meanwhile, John McCain sits down with Larry King and concedes that Obama is not a socialist, but he’s still steamed about some tape the LA Times refuses to release (because it loves its sources more than him) showing Obama saying nice things about a Pro-Palestinian activist and professor. This might have been a story but it turns out a group McCain once headed funded organizations linked to this very dude — so much for that October surprise.
Back in Obamaland, the Great O appears at a midnight rally in Florida with Bill Clinton. The tension is palpable. Obama looks profoundly uncomfortable. Clinton waxes rhapsodic about his administration’s past achievements. Do you remember Clinton’s “chicken in every pot?” Obama will give you that. Obama says nice things about Bill Clinton. They are all on tape.
Thursday: Yay, we are all poor, but at least Exxon Mobil is still making money. The oil giant clocks in record profits for the quarter, but elsewhere GDP is shrinking. John McCain’s self-selected mascot — Joe the Plumber — stands him up at a rally. Bummer. Let’s take another look at how McCain might still win this thing, assuming all the polls are wrong, because you never know and there are still four more days till the Election.
Friday: James Dobson, “Focus on the Family” founder, reveals he has psychic powers, circulates letter purporting to be a dispatch from 2012. Obama is president, the terrorists are on the rise, civil liberties are under attack and gay people are getting married. America, as we know it, is banned. Who knew Obama would be just like George W. Bush? Good thing Dobson didn’t endorse Bush. Oh wait, he did.
Saturday: McCain appears at a rally and tells crowd: “Joe’s Dream is Your Dream.” The nation’s most famous sort-of plumber has a manager now and is contemplating a country music career or maybe a Congressional run. Look what McCain can do for you. Later that night McCain appears on SNL alongside Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. He’s relaxed, funny and eminently likeable. Gosh, Obama is sure lucky he didn’t have to run against that guy.
But it’s not all fun and games for the original maverick and his sidekick. Dick Cheney emerges from his undisclosed location to endorse them. Didn’t Cheney learn any lessons from that SNL skit about the dangers of Bush administration endorsements. Lord, what did McCain ever do to Dick Cheney? Then Sarah Palin is punked by a Montreal comedy duo. (Somebody’s aides must not like them very much.) Oh, and Obama apparently has an illegal immigrant aunt living in Boston. But who doesn’t, right?
Sunday: John McCain may have promised not to say anything about the wild-eyed Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Obama’s erstwhile pastor, but there’s nothing he can do about the Pennsylvania GOP. It “goes rogue,” launches TV ad attacking Obama for his association with this America-hating “man of God.”
Monday: Sad news. Obama learns his grandmother has died. McCain and Palin ping-pong across the United States in a last-ditch, madcap effort to pull off an upset. Hank Williams Jr. appears in Colorado and declares at a Palin event that Obama’s “not real crazy about” the national anthem. Meanwhile, Palin declares that she feels the pain of all the minorities who fail to show up at her rallies. “We live it,” she says, referencing Todd Palin’s Eskimo heritage. McCain declares: “The Mac is Back.” But as the talking heads might say, “Is is too little, too late?” Even Florida Gov. Charlie Crist is cutting out early from McCain’s rallies. There is nothing left to say about this race so CNN’s crawl dangles the prospect of Hillary Clinton v. Palin in 2012. Noooooooooo……
Later that night, yet another SNL election special airs on NBC. For the love of God, will these things never end? There’s John McCain again. He opens the show and starts talking about Joe. No, not that one. “Joe the Network Programmer” who will be forced to pay more taxes under McCain’s opponent’s plan. Poor Joe. Something tells me if the nominee of your party is appearing on SNL the night before the election, it’s not a good sign. But at least McCain has options. Darrell Hammond might want to start looking for a job. Just saying.
Election Day: Plenty of rain on the forecast. Obama cleans up in the all-important Dixville Notch, New Hampshire, vote. Have a swell day, but please remember we’re Americans first, people.
