By John Aloysius Farrell
I, Jack Farrell, in order to keep my place as a citizen of this Republic and a respected member of the good sort of people, do hereby admit, acknowledge and concede:
1. That as a caddy in 1968 I carried the golf bag for a vice president for governmental affairs of a major defense contractor, who was later convicted of illegal lobbying activity. I do apologize, and renounce him.
2. That as a high school sophomore that year I wore a “peace” symbol and a “McCarthy” button on my collar in opposition to the Vietnam War. Senator McCarthy is dead, but I do renounce him.
3. That I once met Tom Hayden, a member of the Chicago 7. I do renounce him, and Jane Fonda.
4. That my parish priest left the priesthood and married a second grade teacher at my parochial school. I do renounce him, all that he said in the pulpit, and all subsequent sins of the Catholic clergy. I now recognize, and publicly acknowledge, that I should have left the baptismal font in protest, but did not, as I was only three weeks old. Nevertheless I do apologize, and renounce my parents for their poor choice of faith. Indeed, I renounce all Irish-American culture, as it is clearly extreme, alien and insufficiently patriotic. Not to mention my middle name.
5. That my college roommate was convicted – long after our 1975 graduation and many years after I lost track of him – of security fraud. I do apologize and renounce and denounce him.
6. That while attending college at a fine southern university, I did purchase a six pack of Schmidt’s beer while using a fake ID. I renounce the act and apologize. I should have bought Bud.
7. That while attending that same fine southern university, I made more than one trip to the emergency room in an inebriated condition to have dislocated joints set and embarrassing lacerations stitched. I do renounce those activities and hope my children never hear of them.
8. That, during my attendance at that same fine southern university, I entered at too young an age into an ill-advised marriage to my high-school sweetheart, and was subsequently divorced. I renounce me, though not the good times we had.
9. That I have liked French people, France and French wine. I do now renounce them.
10. That I have walked my dog off the leash, run one or more red lights, exceeded the posted speed limit, called in sick when I really wasn’t ill, generously estimated my deductions, improved my lie in the rough, slipped glossy magazines into the white-paper-only recycling bins and enjoyed episodes of “The L Word.” I do renounce, abhor, denounce and decry these acts, and any other signs of my humanity.
11. That I have never worn an American flag pin in my lapel, because I love my country.
In the same vein:
1. I have admit that my “Farrakhan Number” is 1 (one’s Farrakhan Number is the number of people you have to go through to connect to Louis Farrakhan). You see, the associate rector at the church I attended for a number of years once invited Farrakhan–then known as Louis X–to speak to the youth group he headed. The Future Farrakhan was keen, but higher ups on both sides nixed it.
2. That I extended to this same priest to my wedding. Aside from his suspicious curiosity about Louis Farrakhan, he was a missionary in Algeria and learned to respect Muslim culture.
3. That I own a regulation German national flag, but not an official U.S. flag. I have a “Bennington” flag, which has 13 stars arranged in an arc with the number “76″ in the corner, but that doesn’t count.
4. That I would like my son to learn Spanish. He’s only 15 months old, but already trills like a pro.
5. That I live in the South and don’t have a hound dog. I have a Welsh Corgi and a husky mix. The latter isn’t so bad, I suppose, but to have the same breed as effete European royalty? Not good.
6. My best friend (and one of my oldest) is a homosexual.
7. I’ve twice voted for self-professed Socialist Bernie Sanders.
Hmm…that should do it for now!
You both forgot to renounce Satan and all his pomps. Don’t forget the pomps.